G*D Holds press conference: Is really pissed — Says “what don’t you understand about my rule NOT to kill one another?”

by faithgibson on January 11, 2015

Re-posted from The Onion

http://www.theonion.com/articles/god-angrily-clarifies-dont-kill-rule,222/

God Angrily Clarifies ‘Don’t Kill’ Rule
NEWS • God • ISSUE 37•34 • Sep 26, 2001

NEW YORK—Responding to recent events on Earth, G*D, the omniscient creator-deity worshipped by billions of followers of various faiths for more than 6,000 years, angrily clarified His longtime stance against humans killing each other Monday.

G*D:

Look, I don’t know, maybe I haven’t made myself completely clear, so for the record, here it is again,

said the Lord, His divine face betraying visible emotion during a press conference near the site of the fallen Twin Towers.

Somehow, people keep coming up with the idea that I want them to kill their neighbor. Well, I don’t.

And to be honest, I’m really getting sick and tired of it. Get it straight. Not only do I not want anybody to kill anyone, but I specifically commanded you not to, in really simple terms that anybody ought to be able to understand.”

Worshipped by Christians, Jews, and Muslims alike, G*D said His name has been invoked countless times over the centuries as a reason to kill in what He called “an unending cycle of violence.”

I don’t care how holy somebody claims to be, G*D said. If a person tells you it’s My will that they kill someone, they’re wrong. Got it? I don’t care what religion you are, or who you think your enemy is, here it is one more time: No killing, in My name or anyone else’s, ever again.

The press conference came as a surprise to humankind, as G*D rarely intervenes in earthly affairs. As a matter of longstanding policy, He has traditionally left the task of interpreting His message and divine will to clerics, rabbis, priests, imams, and Biblical scholars.

Theologians and laymen alike have been given the task of pondering His ineffable mysteries, deciding for themselves what to do as a matter of faith. His decision to manifest on the material plane was motivated by the deep sense of shock, outrage, and sorrow He felt over the Sept. 11 violence carried out in His name, and over its dire potential ramifications around the globe.

I tried to put it in the simplest possible terms for you people, so you’d get it straight, because I thought it was pretty important,

said G*D, called Yahweh and Allah respectively in the Judaic and Muslim traditions.

I guess I figured I’d left no real room for confusion after putting it in a four-word sentence with one-syllable words, on the tablets I gave to Moses. How much more clear can I get?

But somehow, it all gets twisted around and, next thing you know, somebody’s spouting off some nonsense about, ‘G*D says I have to kill this guy, G*D wants me to kill that guy, it’s G*D’s will,'” G*D continued. “It’s not G*D’s will, all right? News flash: ‘G*G’s will’ equals ‘Don’t murder people’.

Worse yet, many of the worst violators claim that their actions are justified by passages in the Bible, Torah, and Qur’an.

To be honest, there’s some contradictory stuff in there, okay? G*D said.

So I can see how it could be pretty misleading. I admit it—My bad. I did My best to inspire them, but a lot of imperfect human agents have misinterpreted My message over the millennia. Frankly, much of the material that got in there is dogmatic, doctrinal bullshit. I turn My head for a second and, suddenly, all this stuff about homosexuality gets into Leviticus, and everybody thinks it’s God’s will to kill gays. It absolutely drives Me up the wall.

G*D praised the overwhelming majority of His Muslim followers as “wonderful, pious people,” calling the perpetrators of the Sept. 11 attacks rare exceptions.

This whole medieval concept of the jihad, or holy war, had all but vanished from the Muslim world in, like, the 10th century, and with good reason, G*D said.

There’s no such thing as a holy war, only unholy ones. The vast majority of Muslims in this world reject the murderous actions of these radical extremists, just like the vast majority of Christians in America are pissed off over those two bigots on The 700 Club.

Continued G*D,

Read the book: ‘Allah is kind, Allah is beautiful, Allah is merciful.’ It goes on and on that way, page after page. But, no, some assholes have to come along and revive this stupid holy-war crap just to further their own hateful agenda. So now, everybody thinks Muslims are all murderous barbarians. Thanks, Taliban: 1,000 years of pan-Islamic cultural progress down the drain.

G*D stressed that His remarks were not directed exclusively at Islamic extremists, but rather at anyone whose ideological zealotry overrides his or her ability to comprehend the core message of all world religions.

I don’t care what faith you are, everybody’s been making this same mistake since the dawn of time, G*D said. “The Muslims massacre the Hindus, the Hindus massacre the Muslims. The Buddhists, everybody massacres the Buddhists. The Jews, don’t even get me started on the hardline, right-wing, Meir Kahane-loving Israeli nationalists, man. And the Christians? You people believe in a Messiah who says, ‘Turn the other cheek,’ but you’ve been killing everybody you can get your hands on since the Crusades.

Growing increasingly wrathful, G*D continued:

Can’t you people see? What are you, morons? There are a ton of different religious traditions out there, and different cultures worship Me in different ways. But the basic message is always the same: Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, Shintoism… every religious belief system under the sun, they all say you’re supposed to love your neighbors, folks! It’s not that hard a concept to grasp.

Why would you think I’d want anything else? Humans don’t need religion or G*D as an excuse to kill each other—you’ve been doing that without any help from Me since you were freaking apes!” G*D said. The whole point of believing in G*D is to have a higher standard of behavior. How obvious can you get?

I’m talking to all of you, here! continued G*D, His voice rising to a shout. Do you hear Me? I don’t want you to kill anybody. I’m against it, across the board. How many times do I have to say it? Don’t kill each other anymore—ever! I’m fucking serious!

Upon completing His outburst, G*D fell silent, standing quietly at the podium for several moments.

Then, witnesses reported, G*D’s shoulders began to shake, and He wept.

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